Sloane to the rescue

 Sloane (1984)

Richard is dead and Jessica is missing! OH MY GOD!!!!! She’s been kidnapped in Manila! OH MY GOD!!!!! That’s not good boys and girls. Jessica’s father hires the only man who can get her back. 

Does he go for Chuck Norris? No! John Rambo? No! How about Dirty Harry? No! He goes for SLOANE!!!!!!!

Sloane lived in Manila for 12 years and that’s why he’s the perfect man for the job. Sloane looks like an American High School Jock. My mother would kick his ass (and she’s dead).

Anyway, Sloane arrives in Manila and is met by the lovely Cindy. Cindy is Richard’s sister. With me? They hate each other with a vengeance. 

Sloane meets some old friends, has a few laughs, visits a brothel and has a few slow motion fights. These slow motion fights are not exactly slow motion though...Oh no. They are just slow.

Sloane has some great dialogue to. Like when he meets the daughter of an old friend.

Girl “Hello Sloane”

Sloane “What are you doing here?”

Girl “I said I’d see you again Sloane”

Sloane “Yes you did baby”

She takes off her clothes

Sloane “Oh my god you’ve grown”

Girl “Yes I have”

Sloane “And so have I”

Saxophone music steps in.

Sloane can’t seem to find Jessica (Probably because he spends most of his time in bars and brothels) so he asks Cindy to help him. They go south. If you are looking for a missing girl; always go south.

We then have a montage scene of them running around the south of Manila asking questions to a Mike Post/Hill Street Blues style soundtrack.

32 minutes in and I’m hurting here.

Sloane goes to a bar! God this guy is great! Could you ever see Rambo going into a bar? 

Did I mention that my mother could whip Sloane’s ass? 

Sloane and Cindy suddenly find a snake in their car right in the middle of a car chase....Don’t you just hate that. Sloane bites the head off the snake (He’s tough you know) and throws it into his enemy’s car. The baddies end up in the river.

Sloane “Hope you brought your rubber duckies”

Sloane is one funny bastard. I hate Sloane. 

Sloane has another beer.

We find out that the evil Chan See is holding Jessica. You can tell he's evil because he's a Chinese guy with a very posh English accent. 

Sloane gets a flat tire, books into a hotel with Cindy and has a few beers.

Sloane gets so pissed off at one point (No bars around I guess) that he blows a garage up, huge explosion and they drive off. Suddenly they are stopped by the police and thrown in jail for blowing the garage up. This is funny stuff.

Sloane thinks it’s time to wear a bandana. I guess this was just so they could put a picture of him on the cover carrying a big gun and wearing a bandana. Could this be another Rambo?

Cindy says “This is getting good, just like a Humphrey Bogart movie” I’m afraid it isn’t Cindy, sorry to disappoint you love.

We have another montage scene with that Hill Street Blues music. Sloane gets some weapons and stuff, beers probably. He then holds Cindy in his arms and they have some saxophone sex....Yeah! I just knew these two would get together.

Now for the end battle when they storm the compound to get Jessica!!! Well, it’s not exactly a compound.....It’s a....You guessed it...A bar! But Jessica isn’t there! OH NO! They should have gone north!

Jessica’s in a cave somewhere. So we rush to a cave somewhere. Action packed stuff this.

We get to the cave and Sloane asks their driver “What is this place” the driver replies “This a place where people used to come to. But they don’t come here anymore” I like this kind of dialogue.

Another awful gun battle with the two guards minding the cave and Jessica is saved. But on the way out everyone is attacked by cannibals. Don’t you just hate that? This happened to me once on the way home from The Swan.

We then all jump into a helicopter (No idea where that came from) and fly off into the blue Manila sky.

Sloane then puts everyone on their planes home and flies the helicopter back to finish off the big bad Chan See in his home

Roll credits and that bloody Hill Street Blues track.

Let me just say a few words about Robert Resnick who plays Philip Sloane...This was his only film.

Let me just say a few words about director Dan Rosenthal...This was his only film.

Let me just say a few words about Sloane (1984)...Total shit!!!