Damned Cows

The Return (1980)

  

A spacecraft descends on a small American town and beams a bright light at a young boy and girl. It then flies away.

A man, Vincent Schiavelli, bangs on a cave wall with a pickaxe and the same beam of light does the same thing to him. His dog watches on.

TWENTY FiVE YEARS LATER

Cybill Shepherd is a geologist who’s sent to the small town of Little Creek by her father, Raymond Burr, to check on some strange satellite activities. Yes, she’s the little girl from the opening scene.

Stringfellow Hawke is a young deputy sheriff, sorry, Jan-Michael Vincent is the deputy sheriff. Yes, he’s the boy from the opening scene.

Jan-Michael drinks a few bottles of beer and shoots the radio of a group of rowdy kids before Sheriff Martin Landau takes him to a bar.

Cybil is attacked by a dog in her car and swerves off the road. Jan-Michael fixes it for her. They don’t know they’ve met each other before.

The following morning Martin tells a story about strips of bacon and Cybil turns up at the jailhouse to talk to Jan-Michael about why she is here. Cybil goes off into the desert to place some photographic equipment. She’s attacked by the mad dog again and drives away as the great Vincent Schiavelli returns and looks on. Schiavelli has not aged in 25 years. Spooky.

Cybil faxes some photos back to her father. They have a fogging effect on them which I guess is very weird.

Cybil takes a walk through the town and realises that she’s been to the village before. Jan-Michael realises it to.

Cybil and Jan-Michael have a chat in a cafe and Raymond Burr turns up to check on his daughter.

Cybil and her father head out into the forest and meet up with Landau who is concerned about some cattle mutilations. Burr is interested.

The police take some photos of the remains but they come out faulty. Just like the satellite shots. Strange eh?

Enter the cattle’s owner, Neville Brand. He’s pissed that his animals are dying. Brand chews up the scene with his awesome delivery. I like Brand. He calls Burr a dumb son of a bitch and leaves.

There seems to be a little bit of chemistry between Cybil & Jan-Michael, which would have been a little more realistic if either of them could actually act.

A couple are riding the range when the man gets off his horse to take a whiz. The man is suddenly beaten by Schiavelli, branded and mutilated with a glowing stick. The girl runs off and her stunt double falls down a hill to her death.

Vincent Schiavelli is bad I think.

Landau and Jan-Michael do some driving and Martin dunks doughnuts in his can of beer. Nice.

They find the mutilated man and Landau thinks it’s either Satanists or Aliens.

Cybil gets jumped upon by some of Neville Brand’s sons. She throws a cuppa coffee in one of their faces. They are angry at her scientific interference and call her a Cow Killer, now there’s a movie title.

They chase Cybil and Jan-Michael steps in and beats them all up.

  

Cybil & Jan-Michael have a beer and listen to some Country music. They have a dance and laugh. Cybil says she doesn’t understand what’s going on. Neither do I.

Brand and sons go out shooting Cybil’s equipment. One of his sons is killed by Schiavelli and Brand is, well, branded and killed.

Cybil & Jan-Michael have sex to the Airwolf theme. Sorry, I made that up. Would have been quite funny though.

More mutilations of both cattle and humans occur. And Jan-Michael isn’t too happy about it.

One of Brand’s vengeful sons gets shot by Jan-Michael and falls down a hill in slow motion, hitting his head on a rock. If that wasn’t bad enough e then gets killed by Schiavelli. That’s one unlucky bloke in my opinion.

The Feds are called in and Landau is fuming.

Landau is sent by Cybil to pick one of her faulty devices up from a shack in the mountains, Schiavelli’s shack. Oh no.

The shack seems to be connected to some tunnels. Landau investigates and finds a weird kind of purple spinning vortex where Schiavelli is feeding cattle and human parts. Landau loses his arms and gets fed to the strange being in the spinning light.

Schiavelli then returns to the town with his glowing beam of light and attacks both Cybil & Jan-Michael. Apparently he just wants to be left alone. He then drives off with Cybil in Landau’s police jeep. Obviously not that alone.

Chase!!!!!

No.

Damn!!!

Jan-Michael is about to go after Schiavelli & Cybil but the FBI turn up and stop him. Finally there’s a little chase and a few explosions before Jan-Michael bursts through a window on a motorbike and goes after his girl.

Schiavelli is pissed off that Cybil is here and will take over his patch. Cybil & Jan-Michael are the ones they want you see, after all these years although Jan-Michael actually lives in the bloody place. Maybe they just want them together. All the scientific problems were simply just to get Cybil back. It worked. What a great plan. Schiavelli uses his glowing stick against Cybil but it doesn’t work. She is the chosen.

Jan-Michael still races to the scene. It’s a long way you know. He’s attacked by Schiavelli’s dog when he finally gets there.

Schiavelli is sucked into the purple vortex because now both chosen are here and there is no need for him anymore.

Cybil & Jan-Michael decide to step into the vortex and float calmly into a white room.

The craft flies off as the town watches on but soon comes back and drops the pair off again.

Strange.

Cybil & Jan-Michael look to the skies as the craft goes away.

CAPTION

Send Out The Light And The Truth

...Let Them Lead

Psalm 43.3

Very very strange indeed.

Greydon Clark’s The Return is an utter mess of a film from start to finish. Clark also made The Warning the same year, again with Landau and Brand. He also made another favourite of mine a couple of years later, Wacko with George Kennedy and Joe Don Baker.

Why am I talking about Greydon Clark’s other work I hear you scream. Simply because it beats the hell out of talking about The Return. Look at that cast people. What a waste of talent. Raymond Burr, Martin Landau, Neville Brand. What the hell were they doing? Cybil & Jan-Michael are terrible in the movie.

Ken & Jim Wheat wrote the film and were responsible for Ewoks: The Battle for Endor a couple of years later. They also wrote Pitch Black.

Jan-Micahel Vincent has now retired from acting.....30 years too late mate.

Oh dear

Funniest clip ever

And maybe a little something from his prime, if he had one.