Midget Gems

The Impossible Kid (1982)

Weng-Weng is walking up a street minding his own business when he is attacked by a sniper on a rooftop. This happens to me on The Brook every now and again. Weng hides behind a fire hydrant without even bending down. You see this is no ordinary secret agent, this is Weng-Weng, 2’9” of Filipino fury.

Agent 00 Weng calls in his team to help track down his assailant while romantic flute music plays in the background. The sniper takes a few hostages in a building and Weng scales down a wall, stopping briefly to take a little look at a naked woman in a shower. Dirty little Weng.

Weng gets his man with a few kicks to the groin, difficult to get much higher for the little bloke.

We then have a theme song sung by a woman telling us how much she loves her Weng-Weng. Our hero then rides his little yellow motorbike as he saves a businessman from the back of a truck. What a guy.

Weng returns to base to be briefed on a mission. He and his boss watch a movie about terrorists trying to get into the Philippines.

Weng joins in on a meeting of businessmen who are being threatened by some terrorists, or something like that. Weng is thrown about before the meeting starts because they think he’s a little boy but kicks ass once more. A video is played telling of terrorists demands and it self-destructs.

I have no idea what is going on here.

Weng is then chased by motorcyclists and hides in a wheelbarrow. Good job Weng.

Businessmen are then killed for not paying the money. Weng must find out who the mastermind is.

The Pink Panther theme plays and I am getting really confused.

Weng takes a walk in the park and hides in a barrel. As you do.

A businessman comes and places a bag of money for the terrorist into the barrel. The barrel, the money and Weng are then put onto the back of a truck. The police follow.

The barrel is moved to another truck and the police lose it.

A man in a mask and a cape takes the bag of money from the barrel and Weng jumps out and kicks ass once more. The masked man gets away. Damn.

The businessman who left the money is not happy that Weng interfered. The businessman leaves and a woman follows him. Weng uses some special glasses to show the woman is actually a man. I call these WoMan Specs. They fight and a hand grenade blows the man/woman up. Weng saves the day once more.

Assassins are diploid to end Weng once and for all.

Weng takes a karate lesson and looks cute in his little suit. Weng is attacked by four karate men but shows off his super skills. A female assassin joins and starts beating on the little fella. Weng soon gets the upper hand though and turns the tables to win the day. Again.

I love the way Weng slides across the floor. Somebody must throw him.

I want to know who Weng’s tailor is. He wears some smart suits in this one.

Weng enters a building and is followed by a few bad guys. They chase him around the building. Weng jumps out of a window with a sheet as a parachute and lands in a swimming pool. A big ft man in the pool thinks he’s a little boy. This happens a lot to Weng.

This is one crazy film.

The police interrogate the female assassin from the karate school by injecting her with a truth drug. Is that legal in the Philippines?

She dies! Oh no. It wasn’t a truth drug. It was a death drug. Don’t you hate that? I think there should be some sort of police enquiry here, or at least a bad dubbing enquiry.

Could one of the businessmen be pulling the strings of this whole operation? Weng thinks so and I think so because the camera lingers on him for way too long when the scene ends. Always a give away that.

The Pink Panther theme makes a return as Weng breaks into the suspected businessman’s home.  Alarms go off in the house and they capture little Weng. They throw a cobra at him and he batters it off with his tiny hands. The businessman tells him he isn’t the terrorist and they let him go.

Weng takes some shooting practice on the range and is thrown off the case by his superiors. But we know he really isn’t.

The businessman is delighted that the midget has gone and laughs with his men for 33 seconds.

Weng takes another ride on his little yellow motorbike and is chased by a car. He’s shot at so goes off road and jumps over a cliff. He then goes to a night club and has a glass of coke. He watches the news at his table and the terrorists have increased their demands.

Are you taking all this in?

Does this make sense?

A song plays in the background

“Fly with me across the stars. Let the moon be are only light.”

Nice

Bad guys turn up at the bar for a few scoops. Weng watches them. They leave and Weng follows. Weng is ambushed and has to fight for his little life. Luckily for Weng he has exploding shoes that make him disappear for a few seconds. The bad guys shoot each other.

Weng follows one bad guy to a massage parlour. The girls go crazy for a piece of little Weng.

Weng loses his man in the parlour, because of some female action and returns to headquarters where another bad guy is being interrogated. As they move the man from the station he’s shot and killed.

The terrorists now give a final warning...One Billion Pesos or they all the businessmen will die, again.

Weng places a listening device on the evil business man but he finds it, pretends he knows nothing about the terrorists and puts the device in the sink.

Weng is caught while spying and fights with a big pole. (A big metal stick, not a man from Warsaw). He then uses the pole to pole-vaults a wall and does a bit of wire walking between two buildings. This guy can do anything.

Weng throws himself down a long pipe and lands on his little motorbike.

“That god damn midget is beginning to get my goat”

Great bad guy line that.

Weng chases the bad guys to a yacht as The Pink Panther returns.

The bad guys laugh for 23 seconds on the deck as Weng is locked in down below in a bird cage.

Nearly one minute of random laughter in this movie so far.

They get Weng’s gun.

“Look at this little gun, it’s so small and tiny. My kids got a bigger one” 

Everyone laughs on the deck again.

  

“It’s a pity you are in there agent 00. You shouldn’t be caged like a silly big bad owl.”

They decide to weight the little bid cage down and throw Weng to the sharks.

Oh no!

Could this be the end of the small one?

Weng gets help by a young lady who pulls him back up.

All the business men meet to give their Pesos on a beach.

The bad guys get their money, take it back to their yacht and return to the beach.  Everybody laughs on the yacht again until Weng stops the laughter with a machine gun. He destroys everything in sight, including the boat which explodes.

The briefcase of money is saved from the water and the bad guy looks a little weary.

Weng jumps out of a suitcase and beats the main bad guy. The police take him way and he then has a bit of a kiss and a cuddle with the girl who saved him.

They wave goodbye to the camera.

A still pops up telling us to watch out for Weng-Weng in LICENSE EXPIRED which was never made.

If you’ve seen the incredible “For Y'ur Height Only” you’ll know what to expect from this film. If you haven’t, well you won’t know what the hell to make of it. It’s awful in a hysterical way. Jaw droppingly bad in parts and laugh out loud funny in others. I guarantee if edited properly it would last 40 minutes tops. Weng-Weng has about 4 lines in the entire films and has no talent what so ever. Unless being a midget is a talent.

If you’re a fan of Filipino midget movies (and who isn’t) you’ll love Impossible Kid. If your favourite movie is Citizen Kane though, you may want to give this little gem a miss.