Don't Get Heavy!

Dragon Force (1982)

Bruce Baron delivers a suitcase of money to a gang of men and swaps it for a suitcase of diamonds. The deal goes well until the head of the gang decides to take a shot at Bruce. Bruce suddenly kicks ass and takes the head guy down.

Then the real plot. Princess Rawleen’s plane has to land in Hong Kong with a problem. She goes to stay with some old college buddies, Elana & Richard Mann. They are brother and sister and live in a nice big mansion. Richard is a witty bastard and says things like.

“You can call me Rich...I am you know” & “I have just received some incredible cocaine from Thailand. Perhaps your highness would like to get even higher later on”

He also has some fantasic wisdom like

“You know what we Chinese say. Beware when trying to avoid stepping on the tail of the dragon.  Least you trip on the claw of the phoenix and fall into a massage parlour which does not except American Express” 

Lost me on that one Richie.

Ninjas!!!!!

Yes, ninjas seem to be roaming the grounds and the Princesses’ security doesn’t stand a bloody chance.

Aren’t Ninja’s cool? They climb walls, hide in the dark, throw stars, block bullets with their swords and throw smoke bombs. I love ninjas me.

They kidnap the princess while she takes a bath.

Ok, Bruce Baron is Jack Sergeant. He seems to be some sort of James Bond style agent.

The kidnappers want the Princesses’ Chrome Oil supplies. But so do the Americans.

Bruce is sent on a mission to get the Princess back.

Bruce first goes to Ah Chu (Pronounced like a sneeze). Ah Chu is like “Q” in the bond films. Chu shows him a few gadgets for his mission like a sneaky Yo-Yo and a bullet proof sweater in four different colours and machine washable. Oh how I laughed.

General Marushka & Mr. Sly are the bad guys and the Princess calls them filthy bastards.

Bruce goes to the magical Tip Toe Forest which is actually just a wooded area by the docks. He’s attacked by Soo-lim, a woman with a flute, has a sword fight on some logs with a Japanese guy in a kabuki mask and set upon by two guys doing a Lion Dance.

Bruce then meets Bruce, Bruce Li that is. If you don’t know Bruce Li, or Ho Chung Tao to his friends, he’s probably the best known of the Bruce Lee imitators. I like Bruce Li. (Check out Dragon Lee, Bruce Le and Bruce Liang for some other lookalikes)

Li wants Bruce to join Dragon Force, but he wants to see how good he is first. A demonstration with a staff is needed. One of the Lion Dancers begins to throw tiles at Bruce as he performs his groovy moves. Not nice.

Li then shows off his moves with the staff by breaking some water containers. Li just looks a little cooler in my opinion. We then have a little mass and a bit of a ritual to bring Bruce into gang (Dragon Force).

Bruce even gets a Dragon medallion and a life time subscription to the Dragon Force Magazine. (I made that bit up).

Bruce and the force then set off on their mission to find the Princess...I bet you forgot about the Princess.

Bruce finds Elana in a market place and is fended off by her people. We then head back to the mansion to some groovy bass music. More Ninjas appear and an orange one. Cool. Lots of running happens and many guards are killed on a roof.

The orange ninja is pretty good.

Bruce is hit with a poisonous throwing star and faints. Li returns with a snake to suck out the poison. Bruce Li is like Mr. Miyagi.

Now Bruce is back to fighting fitness.

Elana falls in love with Bruce. Those five minute romances will never work.

Li pimps out The Flute Player, Soo-lim, to a nightclub as a singer. Very strange turn of events if you ask me.

Soo sings in a nightclub and gets the attention of Yang, the big spender. They have a drink and feed each other olives. Su and Yang leave the nightclub and they have a brawl. This date is not going to plan. Soo beats up Wang but he doesn’t feel a thing, so, she stabs him in the ear with a hair clip and throws him in the water. Yang gets in a taxi and goes to a big mansion, the mansion where the Princess is being held. Wang works for General Marushka & Mr. Sly!!!!

I get it now

What Wang didn’t know is that a bug was placed on him by Soo. Dragon Force knows where they are now.

By the way, the Dragon Force team now wear identical suits. I like this, a bit of uniformity never hurt anyone.

Dragon Force to the rescue.

Sly finds that Yang is carrying the bug. Remember Sly? They begin to do acupuncture on the Princess and cut all her hair off. They are going to do the “Para Technique” which will make the Princess do what they like.

The bald Princess, in a trance, has Chinese writing scrawled onto her face and naked breasts. This would tickle me to death.

Dragon Force enters the grounds and Li does some super cool fighting.

An army of orange ninja appear. These are obviously the best ninjas. Dragon Force cuts thru them with power and precision.

The naked Princess seems to have one breast bigger than the other! This has nothing to do with the plot but it did freak me out a little.

Now inside the mansion, Dragon Force fights more hordes of orange ninjas. Feet and swords fly.

Just as one group of ninjas are disposed of more appear. Only in groups of six though. Could these just be the same six orange ninjas? Am I being cynical here?

The Princess is taken to a helicopter and flown away. I wasn’t expecting that to happen.

General Marushka & Mr. Sly finally give Wang a seeing to over a nice banquet as a stoned Princess eats her meal.

Dragon Force is invited to lunch on Marushka Island.

Soo-Lim plays her flute, Lion Dancers meditate, Kabuki cleans his sword, Li writes and Bruce has sex with Elana. Good man Bruce.

The following morning we set off to Marushka Island where our team are shown a wondrous supply of martial arts showmanship.

Bruce thinks something is wrong with the Princess. He’s right.

You see Marushka is going to be the Princesses’ new minister of trade. The Princess tells them this in a dopey state.

Now all hell breaks out on the island in an Enter The Dragon inspired sequence.

Marushka & The Princess escape. Bruce & Li are confronted by six orange ninjas standing on top of each other (Six again...hm).

Ninjas fly around (on wires) and Bruce & Li do battle. Different coloured ninjas appear from the ground. How long had they been there?

Orange ninjas are blown up but six more appear (something's going on here)

The Princess attacks Li & Bruce. Marushka laughs. 

We are now in a yard full of barrels with danger written on them. Could these barrels contain danger? What does danger look like?

The yard goes on fire. This can not be good for the barrels of danger. Can you sell barrels of danger?

Marushka escapes in a speed boat but is blown up by Bruce. Those barrels didn’t explode! Maybe they were empty barrels of danger.

The Princess is saved and Li returns her to her normal self with his expertise in acupuncture. I wonder if he noticed her dodgy breast. The Princess thanks Dragon Force for their help.

Dragon Force is a funny movie, terribly dubbed and acted. It’s not boring for one second and would make a fantastic drunken lads movie.

Fantastic.

And as Bruce Li says in the movies final line

“Don’t get heavy!”