Big Trouble in the Amazon

Gold of the Amazon Women (1979)

Bo Svenson visits the Discovers club where he meets an old friend named Jorn and a man named Luis Escobar. Bo is interupted from his meeting by another man outside. Frederick Reynolds is an old man who apparently died a few months back in South America, but he didn’t (I figured that one out).  His on also went missing.

Reynolds has found the Seven Cities of Eldorado and he wants Big Bo to go after the lost gold. Bo is a little reluctant until Reynolds is shot twice by arrows in the back, shots taken by two scantily clad Amazon women. By the way, this is New York City in the middle of the day and these ladies are a little out of town. Bo goes on the chase but before he can get to know the ladies better they arrow each other to death. It’s the Amazon Women’s credo way apparently.

At this point I wanted to know how these two women travelled 4000 miles to do this hit. They don’t have pockets in those short skirts for money or passports.

At the old man’s funeral Bo tells Jorn & Luis that Frederick Reynolds was so famous that if he had lived in the 16^th century they would probably have named a country after him. I personally would not fancy going to a country named Frederick Reynolds so I’m glad he didn’t live in the 16^th century.

I’m going on holiday at the weekend Steve

Nice, where you going Bob?

Frederick Reynolds

That’s crap!

Bo and his friends go for a meal back at the Discoverers club. They decide to have a spot of 1931 port to drink to the old explorer’s memory. But wait!!! The waiter seems to be a bad guy. Jorn is poisoned by the port (Should have had the 1929). The bad guy, who looks like Abel Ferrara, runs off but is hit by a car and dies. This guy was obviously the worst assassin ever.

But who is that in the car watching on? Could it be Donald? Donald Pleasence?

Bo and Escobar decide to go down to the Amazon and find out what the hell is going on.

I knew they would.

Bo and Escobar go to a church to find maps to the area they want to explore. Unfortunately the maps were stolen a few weeks back. The plot thickens. Luckily for our intrepid, and very sweaty heroes, the Padre made copies of all his maps because he knew somebody would one day what to steal them. Not a very trusting Padre.

I was right! That was Donald Pleasence in the car watching the events in New York because he books himself into a hotel in Brazil, the same hotel as Bo & Luis.

The boys find a snake in the hotel room so Bo steps on it with his big Swedish foot.

Clarence Blasko is here and he’s after them. Blascko is Donny Pleasence by the way. We are then made more aware that Blascko is after them because he and his female assistant start shooting at them. Maybe the snake wasn’t sent by him? Maybe the snake double booked the room. Snakes have holidays to. Just not in Frederick Reynolds, because that country doesn’t exist.

Bo & Luis head off into the depths of the jungle were they meet real savages. They have spears and live in huts. They speak English though which is pretty helpful to move the plot along.

Bruno, the chief of this little savage village, gives them the info they require to move along with their task. They eat monkey stew which is very good apparently. Bo gets his hair braided, his face painted and everyone has a jolly old sing and dance around the roaring fire. I like this place, It seems to be a fun place to hang out.

Bo decides to have a little boogie with a young, big breasted, savage woman he likes. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend named Nabooru. Bo gets himself into a fight with Nabooru as the movies composer seems to be dying on a piano. Nabooru seems to know some groovy WWF moves to. The fight ends in a draw with both men very tired but obviously respecting each others talents.

Next morning Luis, Bo & Nabooru all leave. They are attacked by Donny in a helicopter and their jeep is blown up. They decide to walk the rest of the way with Nabooru heading the way as their guide. Luis wants to go home and Bo tells him what direction New York is. They eat some termites and they all laugh.

Luis can’t move his legs after a little rest. Luis has been bitten by some ants. Nabooru goes to get an antidote and saves Luis’ life. Unfortunately Nabooru is bitten by a snake and dies. He should have stayed home watching his old Ultimate Warrior videos.

Can I just point out that Luis is a pain in the arse.

  

Back to the action!

Bo buries Nabooru and they carry on with their mission thru the jungle.

The guys are suddenly captured by some Amazon women. Good stuff.

An Amazon woman tells Luis that his face looks good on her eyes and she doesn’t want to hurt him. The guys are taken to a camp were there are dozens of beautiful women led by Queen Na-Eela, Anita Ekberg.

Bo and Luis are told to run for their lives by a group of crazy caged men. They have been there a long time. They are being held captive to simply fertilize the women. There are harder jobs out there I suppose.

The women have a fight for the services of Bo and Luis. They fight on a raft surrounded by alligators. Bo saves the loser from the oncoming crocodile (Just one). Actually, the croc didn’t really seem that arsed.

Apparently Anita speaks four languages but words mean nothing she says.

Where the hell is Pleasence?

Bo, Luis, Anita and a couple of girls have lunch together and shit cat for awhile.

Donny P. Arrives in his helicopter and throws gas bombs out the window. Everyone collapses. Don lands gets a map from Bo and burns the village. He’s nasty our Donny. The men escape from their cage (The heat must have loosened the bamboo).

Many women are saved by Bo and the boys. Anita agrees to help them find Donald and his gang by taking them to the Lost City. But before we move off we have a tiny conversation about the ability ofmen and women to work together in a civilised world. Is there an underlying moral to this story? No.

Everyone stops for a drink and a bit of love talk until they are attacked by dart blowing cannibals.

Meanwhile, Donny and his crew enter the first city and are in awe at its beauty and treasures. Donny is delighted and over acts a little, as only he can. But they are captured by a shrunken man and his cannibal friends. Nasty.

Bo and his gang turn up but Svenson’s that clever that he sees right thru the whole masquerade. It’s a trick little man made by a serious of mirrors. I’ve seen Jonathan Creek and I know this can happen. The little man just also happens to be Frederick Reynolds’ missing son. He’s completely mad and trying to protect the cities.

Donny tries to make Bo an offer but Bo’s a man who doesn’t make deals. They all go back to the city and part ways. Bo & Luis fly off home with a couple of million dollars in gold.

The End.

And that is the story of Gold of the Amazon women. 92 minutes of the most boring film making I have ever seen. It’s just awful in every department possible. Bo and Don just about got me thru it but for god’s sake it’s slow. It was actually directed by Mark L. Lester who had made the great Robert Forster movie Stunts and went on to fight great success with Class of 1984, Firestarter and Arnie’s Commando. I bet even he can’t remember this one.

It actually has many similarities to Raiders of the Lost Ark. It’s set in the jungle and, erm, well that’s about it. Take all the action out of Raiders, the great score, the superb script, direction, lighting, effects and Harrison Ford and you have Gold of the Amazon women.

I may just shoot myself with an arrow.

A little tribute to the late great Donald
A Public Information Film